The Death Eaters Practice Team Building
by Bellatrix567
Summary: Written out of boredom: after Bellatrix tortures several of the Death Eaters, Voldemort forces them to come to a Muggle coach which will help them become a fully cooperative and happy team, eventually leading them in a competition against the Order of the Phoenix (forced to join by Dumbledore) to win a box of chocolates. Hopefully funny and very random. Characters subject to change
1. Chapter 1

**This happened when I was really bored and too lazy to work on those other three Death Eater stories I've started - or is it four now? Anyway, none of them are abandoned, I'm just too lazy and too busy with NaNoWriMo to write them right now.**

**Nagini is human just for the heck of it (it's a little more interesting when she can talk to the rest of the Death Eaters). This takes place in the fifth book before the Department of Mysteries. Enjoy!**

"Welcome. I am Katie, and I shall be your coach. What are your names?" the Muggle team-building and athletics coach said, her eyes roving over nine bored-looking Death Eaters.

"I am Voldemort, although you may call me the Dark Lord or Master," Voldemort was the first to introduce himself. "This here is Nagini, she's a snake; Bellatrix, you don't want to get her mad; Severus, who, um…. he's cool too, he just doesn't kill enough people; Wormtail, completely useless but he helped me get a new body; Lucius, he's also useless but he's rich; Fenrir Greyback, he's not even a Death Eater, but he likes to bite kids, so he's cool; and Rodolphus and Rabastan, who are also rich and are somehow related to Bellatrix. Second cousins twice removed or something." He glanced around at his Death Eaters; most of them were glaring at him. "What? I just wanted to give a little backstory about you guys…"

"Very flattering," Nagini assured him, her voice, although in English, coming out in a soft hiss. She'd been transfigured into a human for this 'bonding, team-building exercise' as advertised in the Muggle newspaper. The Death Eaters (well, Voldemort, mostly) had been desperate enough to come here after a pretty nasty fight, which resulted in all of the aforementioned Death Eaters apart from Nagini, Voldemort and Bellatrix moaning on the ground, bleeding and in various states of pain. Bellatrix was standing above them victoriously with blood on her robes, and happily explained that it all happened because someone had the nerve to call her Trixy.

Nagini had only agreed to be transfigured into a human because Voldemort insisted that she join in, and he also had the nerve to withhold any venison or human meat from her until she agreed. She usually didn't give in to things like that, but who knows, this might be a little bit fun.

"Would any of you like to introduce yourselves?" Katie asked. "Although Mr. Voldemort here has a very, er, interesting imagination…"

"It's the Dark Lord," Bellatrix snapped.

"If that's what all of you choose to call him, then that's excellent, but we don't use nicknames which place us above others…"

"You could also call him Tom!" Nagini said energetically. Might as well make Bellatrix hate her while she could…

"Nagini!" Voldemort snapped. "I am the Dark Lord, woman, and you shall address me as such."

"I am going to call you Voldemort, and I suggest your teammates do, as well. The whole point of your coming here was to establish a team atmosphere, wasn't it?"

"The whole point was to calm someone down so that all my stupid followers don't turn against my only faithful one," Voldemort responded. He'd heard it was better not to name names sometimes, even though everyone here knew who he was talking about.

"It's okay, I can take them," Nagini assured him. Make that almost everyone.

"While you're human?" Severus muttered.

"One at a time, yeah," Nagini said.

"Well, Voldemort, while you are here, we - all of us - will try to become more trusting as a team."

"Wow, who knew that 'we' meant 'all of us,'" Nagini hissed.

"Good luck with that," Greyback muttered, eyeing Bellatrix. The Death Eaters had been instructed to sit in a group; after Voldemort reinforced the command, he and Bellatrix sat at the edge of the group. Nagini sprawled out on her stomach beside Severus a little behind. Rodolphus and Rabastan were on their knees in the back, muttering back and forth; Wormtail, Lucius and Greyback were yet again stuck in the middle.

"Even if, erm, not one of you is ready, this _will_ work," Katie insisted. She was sitting crisscross apart from them. "Now, let's start with something easy. Everyone get in a circle around me!" She tried to keep her tone energetic, but was met with groans and complaints. Eventually Voldemort groaned and stood up, then moved to sit beside her. Bellatrix followed. Greyback moved to sit on Katie's other side, followed by Rabastan and Rodolphus. Severus got up to claim a spot between Rodolphus and Nagini, who found a reluctant Wormtail and Lucius on her other side, completing the circle.

"Nagini, would you mind sitting up?" Katie asked.

"Yes," she snapped. Her eyes roved sarcastically over the circle of Death Eaters, most of which had deigned to sit like regular human beings. "Greyback, stop! Muggle werewolves are a huge hazard." Greyback jumped, glancing up and wiping a bit of drool from his mouth.

"I wasn't…"

"Yeah, you were about to. Switch with Lucius."

"But…"

"Now," Nagini snarled. Usually twenty-year-old girls with greenish skin weren't that frightening, and maybe it was just her influence, but Greyback still whimpered a little and moved to sit between Bellatrix and Wormtail.

"Nagini, what was that about?" asked Katie, who had remained silent throughout the affair, wondering whether she should interfere or not. "Why did you just tell Fenrir…"

"Because he was going to bite you, ma'am, and Muggle werewolves get harassed by the Ministry of Magic even more than wizarding ones, not to mention a particularly painful transformation every full moon…"

"Don't call Fenrir a werewolf," Katie snapped. God, this group was even more hopeless than she'd thought…

"I am a werewolf," Greyback growled. "And I really don't mind being addressed by my last name, thanks."

"Don't be silly, you're…"

"Are we really going to start fighting over obvious facts this soon?" Rabastan sighed. He turned to Rodolphus, "I mean, I don't think this lady is a good enough excuse for Bella to torture him again, so…"

"Might be," Rodolphus replied. "Mind you, I don't think she really _needs _an excuse any more."

"Yes, Rod?" Bellatrix snarled. "I'm less than six feet away from you, you do realize that?"

"Of course, honey…" Rodolphus paled.

"Would you three stop fighting?" Katie snapped.

"Would you stop being so utterly ridiculous?" Greyback said. He really looked like he wanted to bite her, so Voldemort decided to intervene.

"Katie?" he asked.

"Yes?"

"Everybody shut up!" Voldemort called. They all fell silent at once, except for Nagini, who yawned loudly. "There's a few things I'd like to clear up with you, before you seriously offend someone else," he said.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone," she said hurriedly. "Who was it?"

"Greyback is a werewolf, and he's quite proud of it. Just to get things straight, we're wizards, and if you hear terms like 'pureblood' or 'half-blood,' think nothing of it. Blood purity is very important to us. And Wormtail is animagus to a rat; and do not, under any circumstances, annoy Bellatrix - you will regret it for the rest of your life. And something else… oh, yeah, Nagini. She's my pet snake, but I turned her into a human so we could do this."

_Maybe I should just recommend the lot of them to a mental hospital for schizophrenia_, Katie thought, but she just nodded. Maybe she could still do something for this group, if they were willing to cooperate.

"All right, then," Katie said, forcing herself to smile. "If none of you have any problems with that description, then I believe we can begin…"

"I'm not your pet!"

"'Course you're not…_ Nagini, stop disrespecting me in front of all my Death Eaters!_" Voldemort hissed.

"_You're the one who wanted to transfigure me!_"

"Wasn't the whole idea of turning Nagini human so that we didn't all have to sit there while you two talk in Parseltongue?"

"Snape, do I really have to…"

"You're the only one without a wand here, Bellatrix."

"No, only a couple idiots actually sneaked theirs in - give it to me."

"No!"

"If we're going to get anything done at all, then…"

"Everybody be quiet!" Katie yelled. She yelled really loudly; she was used to training much larger teams of adults. All the Death Eaters fell silent. "Do you guys want to do this or not?" Katie demanded.

Voldemort again initiated the murmurs of assent, most of which were false; he was the one who signed everyone else up for this, after all. You don't become a Death Eater by doing what you want to.

"We're going to start with quick team-building games," Katie said, sitting down again. "Not all of them are for adults, but based on your maturity level as a group, I think you can handle it. No interruptions or I will lock you in a bathroom stall for the rest of the day. Mind you, it'll be a bathroom stall with a toilet filled with crap and a flushing handle that doesn't work. Are we clear?"

_So that's the way to get across to these people_, she thought. _No more nicey-nice for me, then._

"To start off, we're going to go in a circle and say our names, careers, and a favorite hobby or pastime. Don't interrupt each other, or… just remember the toilet threat. I'll start."

"My name is Katie MacCracken, I'm a sports and athletic coach in addition to counseling, so expect to do a lot of exercise. I like hiking and camping." She turned to Voldemort, genuinely surprised that no one had commented.

"I am Voldemort, but you all know I like to be called the Dark Lord. I am the Dark Lord. I like to spend my time procrastinating or killing Muggles."

"Mostly procrastinating," Nagini muttered.

"Shut up, Nagini. I'm Bellatrix Lestrange, escaped convict charged of multiple murders and the torturing of a couple Aurors into insanity, currently unemployed; if you haven't picked up, I like to torture Mug - everyone. Next!"

Judging by the Death Eaters' expressions, this was nothing new. Bellatrix turned to the unwilling person beside her, Greyback.

"Fenrir Greyback, werewolf whom the Ministry is trying to track down; I like working out, wrestling and biting people on the full moon."

"I'm Worm - uh, I'm Peter Pettigrew, but everyone calls me Wormtail. And I'm unemployed because the wizarding world thinks I'm dead. And I like to…." Wormtail trailed off, thinking, and discovered there wasn't much he really liked to do nowadays. "I like to eat pizza."

"And I am Nagini!" Nagini said energetically. Okay, sarcastically. Or a mixture of both. "I am also unemployed! That's because I'm a snake! I like to sit in trees for hours on end staring at nothing!"

"Severus Snape, potions professor of Hogwarts. Rodolphus, your turn."

"What, there isn't anything you like to do?" Nagini hissed. "You don't like talking to me?"

"No, I assure you, that's one of my favorite hobbies," Severus said sarcastically.

"Okay then. I'm Rodolphus Lestrange, also escaped convict, and I like to get drunk at bars."

"That's because it's the only thing he's good at," Bellatrix stage whispered. Rodolphus reddened but had enough sense not to protest.

"Rabastan Lestrange, same as Rodolphus and Bellatrix in being an escaped convict, I like to… um…" Rabastan cast around for something to say, then decided cheerily on, "I like to watch pornos!"

"I am Lucius Malfoy," Lucius said disdainfully. "I work for the Ministry as a Hogwarts Governor, and I like to buy new things that I shall never use."

"Endearing," Nagini muttered.

"Okay," Katie said. "So… two of you are employed?"

"The Lestranges and Voldemort are a little too wanted to submit their resumes anywhere," Greyback growled. "Wormtail's lazy and Nagini's a snake and I'm a werewolf."

"I assure you, we'd all have very prestigious careers if given the chance," Nagini said. "Not that we _want_ the chance. Just to clarify."

"I think I was head of something at the Ministry once…"

"Oh, god, the Ministry was awful."

"You're just saying that because you went to Az…"

"No, the Ministry's pretty awful, Lucius."

"I assure you it's the most beautiful thing in the world; that would explain why we're spending all this time trying to destroy it."

"Still…"

"You can come out of your shell now; you won't be fired for badmouthing the Ministry here."

"Not funny, Nagini."

"When you're all finished!" Katie snapped. Nothing happened. The were starting to relate bad experiences with the Ministry. "EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" That worked. "Since you're already talking about bad things associated with the Ministry, why don't we go in a nice little circle discussing it?" The expected groans. "Maybe if you paid attention more, we wouldn't have to do this," Katie said. "Lucius, you start this time."

"One time, the Ministry didn't give me a pay raise for three months!" Lucius said.

"Next," Katie said hurriedly. Oh, god, was he really stupid enough to say that?

"A Ministry official locked up his own son for something he just sat and watched because we pressured him into it," said Rabastan.

"The Ministry also sentenced all the _loyal_ Death Eaters to Azkaban for fourteen years," Rodolphus said, glaring at Lucius.

"You two managed to weasel your way in somehow," Bellatrix said.

"The Ministry's forced a pathetic pink toad of a professor on Hogwarts," Severus' comment was targeted mostly towards Voldemort; the Dark Lord was the only one who cared about the school.

"The Ministry…." Nagini said, pausing to think. "One time, the Daily Prophet, via the Ministry, published an article containing a rather offensive comment about someone's nose. Said someone wouldn't shut up about it for a week."

"Deep, Nagini," Severus whispered. "Deep."

"Just as deep as those hobbies of yours."

"The Ministry sentenced one of my former best mates to Azkaban for twelve years without a trial," Wormtail offered. _"And_ he was innocent."

"Actually," Rodolphus said loudly. "Wormtail, I think you should start laughing."

"But it wasn't funny!"

"Laugh anyway."

"You're incredibly subtle, Rod," Bellatrix said scathingly.

"Moving on!" Rabastan announced. "Greyback, what say you?"

"Hm… once the Ministry arrested me for killing someone," Greyback said. "And the judge or whoever he was started ranting on and on about how werewolves are soulless and evil, and then they tried to arrest me. So, later on, I bit the guy's four-year-old son."

"The Ministry," Bellatrix said, "is stupid. They called my pathetic cousin, who doesn't even have a Dark Mark, the Dark Lord's most loyal follower."

"The Ministry is mean," Voldemort said. "They made mean comments about my nose." He sniffed and wiped a tear from his eye. Then he added, "And Nagini's also mean for bringing it up."

"Hey, I kept it anonymous!" Nagini protested.

"Yeah, that wasn't obvious at all," Severus smirked.

"See?"

"Indeed, Master of Sarcasm," said Severus.

"Yes, person who is trying to usurp my title," Nagini said, "That was sarcasm, too."

"The next thing we're going to do," Katie said pointedly, "Because you've all decided that this is pointless and boring, I'm going to make it pointless and difficult. We're going to do ten types of exercise for one minute each and see how well you can do, figure out the team average, and try to increase it! Yes, I know it sounds awful… have I mentioned that you're going to be competing against another team in a few days?"

"No…"

"Now I have," Katie said, "They're, ah, quite similar to you all, or as similar as I could find. Nine people, mostly male and mostly middle-aged. You're going to spend next week competing for a really big prize."

"Ooooh," said Voldemort. "I can feel the tension!" Evidently, no one else did, because they more or less ignored him.

"Alright, everyone grab one of those water bottles and find your own floorspace!" Katie yelled, suddenly sounding like one of those scary coaches. When no one moved (or maybe moved a little too slowly), she pulled a whip out of her pocket and started brandishing it around (sometimes Katie took 'Crazy Coach Mode' a little too seriously).

This time, everyone scrambled to their feet and did as they were told. Voldemort started to regret these 'Team-Building Classes' when Katie started leading them through a number of different stretches. She didn't acknowledge that no one was doing as she instructed.

"Okay, that was ex - let's be honest. That was awful," Katie began. "Now we're going to do jumping jacks for thirty seconds, and I'm going to write down how many you did at the end. This isn't a competition, it's merely for self-improvement." _And because you all are really annoying, and you'll be a lot quieter when you're too busy gasping for breath to talk._

"Start!"

At least they all had some vague idea of what these jumping jack things were (Katie was trying hard to look on the bright side), even though Nagini had very clearly never done them before, and Wormtail and Voldemort didn't really seem to understand that it was more than clapping your hands above your head repeatedly. And maybe she did have to crack her whip in the air a few more times than necessary to get things started. At least the Death Eaters were all doing jumping jacks.

The number of jumping jacks they achieved went from 5 (Wormtail, followed by Voldemort's 7) to 108 (Greyback). The Lestranges and Severus were close together, followed by Nagini.

"This whole 'jump up in the air for no reason' thing is a little new," Nagini said. "Don't worry, I can beat everyone at sitting in a tree and staring off into space…"

"That's because no sane person will do that, Nagini," Voldemort said. He was a little bitter about his _snake_ beating him.

"I'm sure jumping and clapping your hands in the air repeatedly makes a lot more sense."

"Next we're going to do push-ups," Katie announced, keen to avoid yet another pointless round of bickering. "Just to clarify this time, does everyone know what that is?" She demonstrated anyway before telling everyone to get ready. "And… start!"

This time Nagini and Greyback were nearly tied; being a snake, Nagini had much more muscle than the average human when transfigured. After going through several more various types of exercise, Katie decided that they would work on it later, and get to more of those lovely 'teambuilding' games right now.

**Okay, maybe not my best fanfiction; it will get better in later chapters, I promise you! Especially when the Order of the Phoenix shows up...**

**You should review! It takes a second to write the words 'it sucked' (or hopefully something a little more constructive or positive). PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I have no excuse for not updating... well, I have written the scene where they meet the Order, but seeing as it's not posted, it doesn't really count... oh well, this has been read by a grand total of 70 people, so my hopes for world fame through fanfic isn't high...**

"Everyone take a break, in which you will be completely and utterly silent, then come back here in one minute," Katie said. Alright, they'd do some talking games today - the fun stuff would happen once she figured out exactly how much these people hated each other and what to do about it.

"_That wasn't fair. I don't know how to use these - these _limbs _properly at all_," Nagini hissed to Voldemort, who had gone to the corner to sulk.

"_Greyback is annoying,"_ he hissed back.

"_To you, so is Bellatrix, Rodolphus, Rabas…._"

"_Shut up, would you?_"

"_Just pointing out. But you're so cocky yourself, and he's not saying anything… not really…_" Nagini glanced over to where Greyback was arguing with Rodolphus and Rabastan. Bellatrix was watching with amusement, and Wormtail, Severus and Lucius were doing their best to ignore it.

"_Should I stop them?_"

"_You could. If Katie doesn't get there first,_" Nagini said. "_Actually, that's a good idea - it'd prove that you're in charge, not just there to back her up."_

"_I don't get your meaning._"

"_Just go tell them to break it up_." Nagini hissed. Voldemort rolled his eyes at her but started to go over to Rodolphus, Greyback and Rabastan. She scooted over to Severus' side to watch as Voldemort went and immediately attacked Rodolphus.

"Rodolphus, what are you doing?" he snarled. "Oh, and Greyback and What's Your Name, Lestrange - it looks really unprofessional to fight over stupid things." _Hypocrite,_ Nagini thought. "Plus, we're here because none of us can get along. You might want to try not bickering about…" Voldemort trailed off, unsure of exactly what it was they'd been squabbling over.

"Let's not irritate the Dark Lord," Bellatrix hissed, rising. The three Death Eaters didn't need any further encouragement; Greyback almost scampered to the other side of the room.

"Everyone come back and form a circle!" Katie called. Again, all heads went to Voldemort, except for Nagini, who stubbornly grabbed Severus' wrist and dragged him to the edge of the soon-to-be circle. Voldemort followed her as if nothing had happened, and the rest of the Death Eaters wasted no time in joining him once the Dark Lord had made his opinions clear.

"For the rest of the day, we are - you are, sorry, I just get to watch - going to play pointless games," Katie said, her voice honey-coated. "Then, come evening, I'm leaving you with a map to find an old abandoned house, where I've got something really fun planned." As per usual, her words were met with groans. But Katie had just had a half cup of espresso, and was managing to ignore it.

"We're going to throw this ball around," Katie said, starting to explain and smiling almost sadistically at the Death Eaters' eyerolls and mutterings. "Wormtail, why don't you start." She tossed the ball at him before he expected it; it rolled away. Wormtail scrambled to collect it.

"Wormtail, say someone's name and throw the ball at them. Next time the ball comes to you, you will throw it to that someone again."

"Uh, okay… Master," Wormtail threw the foam ball cautiously at Voldemort, who caught it.

"Bellatrix."

"It must be someone across from you," Katie said.

"All right then, Nagini," Voldemort huffed, but he didn't care enough to make a huge fuss.

"Lucius."

"Bellatrix."

"Rod - no, Rabastan."

"Greyback."

"Rodolphus."

"Severus."

"Wormtail."

They went in a circle several times, most of them making an effort to appear bored; Nagini decided to try to catch the ball with her feet ("They're all the same to me, aren't they, these limb things?") and Rabastan, via Bellatrix, discovered that even a foam ball could give you a bloody nose. Katie put in another ball, then another, urging the group to go faster.

"This isn't fair!" Voldemort protested. Nagini, who was holding the ball at the time, 'missed' and hit him in the face. "Hey!"

"It was an accident!" Nagini protested.

"It was?" Voldemort chucked the ball as hard as he could at her face. "That was an accident, too!"

"It was also incredibly mature."

"You - _you dare?_"

"_I dare. What're you gonna do? Tell your Death Eaters that you had to transfigure me back because I was setting a bad example, usurping your power?_"

"_They would never follow you. Talk about maturity. But you have to show respect, or yes, I will…_"

"_I'm not playing by your rules out of fear that you'll transfigure me back. You need my loyalty more than I need your help right now._"

The Death Eaters had all fell silent, staring as Nagini and Voldemort hissed viciously at each other. Voldemort's face contorted in rage - the expression usually meant that one of his minor followers would die. Seeing as none of them were here right now, he merely hissed something else to Nagini before standing and announcing that he was going to the bathroom.

"Nothing happened!" Nagini announced. "Is it lunchtime yet?" she asked Katie.

"Nagini - I shall tell Voldemort too - I don't want you speaking to each other in another language any more. It doesn't improve the already low level of trust in the group, or its inclusiveness."

"It's private conversations we don't want everyone else to hear," Nagini said. "I'm sure excusing ourselves and muttering in a corner - in English, mind you - would be a huge improvement."

Katie chose to ignore that and decided to move on to the next game.

"Everyone divide into pairs!" she commanded. She was already fairly sure who would choose to work together and who would be forced into a group of three, but just to see…

Rodolphus and Rabastan latched elbows, followed by Severus and Nagini. Both Greyback and Lucius started towards Bellatrix, but she pushed them away, snarling, "I'm with the Dark Lord." As expected, both Greyback and Lucius glanced around at the four already assembled into pairs before turning to glare at each other and Wormtail, who seemed to have… disappeared…

Before Katie could ask where the ratlike man had disappeared to, Voldemort strode back through the door.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Choose a partner," Katie responded, coming out a little more snappish than she'd intended. Voldemort - as Katie expected - headed straight for Bellatrix.

"_We'll discuss this later_," he hissed toward Nagini.

"That we will," she agreed, speaking English. Voldemort scowled but did not retort.

"Greyback, Lucius, Wormtail - wherever he is," Katie said, "You're a group of three. That okay?" She turned around before all three could tell her that it definitely was _not_ okay and addressed the group at large.

"I want one person in each partner group to come here and get a blindfold," she said. "Then both of you can step over to this wall."

"Wormtail, this won't work if you're a rat," Lucius said disdainfully.

"Or I could eat him…" Greyback suggested.

"I thought we'd agreed that all human halflings are mine?" Nagini called, walking over to get a blindfold. Bellatrix was ahead of her, followed by Rabastan.

Wormtail suddenly appeared - he seemed to have grown out of the ground. Katie jumped back in surprise, but quickly tried to hide it.

"He can turn into a rat," Voldemort said by way of explanation.

"Of course," said Katie. "Rodolphus, could you help me?" He nodded tentatively, glancing at Voldemort for permission first. "See all of those red circles I've laid out over the floor? Cast a spell to make them burn." Clearly getting 'out' wasn't enough for these Death Eaters - maybe magic and pain would get them a little more involved.

After everyone had grudgingly made their way to one of the walls and five of the Death Eaters were putting on blindfolds, Katie began to explain the rules.

"The goal of this exercise is for both of you to make it across the room without stepping on one of those red circles - they burn your feet. One of you has to put on a blindfold, and the other will tell them where to step to get them across. Once they've touched the opposite wall, toss the blindfold back and guide your partner across. Lucius, Greyback and Wormtail, two of you can wear blindfolds for one round. Everyone clear?" There were hesitant murmurs of assent, but apart from the reluctant group of three, they were with people they trusted.

"Start… now!"

Bellatrix and Nagini already had their blindfolds on and started making their treacherous way across the floor, guided by Voldemort and Severus respectively. Rodolphus also started, a little more cautiously. As expected, Lucius, Greyback and Wormtail were the only group having trouble.

"I won't trust a filthy werewolf to tell me what to do when I can't see!" Lucius was yelling.

"Just like I wouldn't trust someone like you!"

"I have a _reason…_"

"Put the damn blindfold on, Malfoy, or I will bite and scar your stupid beautiful face with my werewolf magic," Greyback snarled. Lucius blanched.

"Do that and I will have you persecuted…"

"You're a criminal, too, Malfoy - can't do that unless you admit you're a Death Eater," said Greyback, "do you really want to start this discussion?"

"I…"

"Hey!" Katie marched over to them. She wasn't planning to intervene, but it looked like violence, if not a screaming match, was about to break out. "Why don't both of you put on the blindfolds, and Wormtail can guide you across?"

Both of them spewed out protests, which Katie ignored. She was pleasantly surprised that she didn't have to force them to do it, but both Greyback and Lucius tied on their blindfolds and stepped onto the floor.

Meanwhile, Nagini was having a bit of trouble, barely avoiding the red circles.

"Step to the right."

"Which right? This right? Or the other right?"

"That leg - the one that's up right now - move it just a little along the ground… there, stop," Severus directed. "Now bring the other leg…"

"This is too complicated," Nagini complained. "Can I just lie down on the floor?"

"No, you'd fall on something. Now step…"

Somehow, Nagini still stayed ahead of Bellatrix, probably due to Voldemort's instructions.

"Big wide step forward now! Oh, wait, not too wide, you'll fall - no, go back, turn around, you're about to hit something - faster! Nagini's getting ahead!"

"This way, my Lord?"

"No! Yes! Just - just walk forward until I tell you to stop!"

Rodolphus and Rabastan probably could have won, Katie reasoned, if the latter wasn't being extremely cautious - or telling his partner to slow down when he was in danger of passing the women.

Bellatrix was directed to step on two of the circles at once, and was forced to start over. Nagini lost her balance and fell shortly after. Greyback and Lucius both ignored half of Wormtail's instructions, and as a result didn't get very far before starting over as well. This time, Nagini dragged herself forward by her arms, which slowed her down, but made Severus' instructions a lot simpler.

Rodolphus was the first to make it to the far wall - he and his brother worked together marvellously. Bellatrix took a wrong step again and started over, but in the end, she got across the same time Rabastan did. Nagini was already starting to guide Severus across. It was Greyback, Lucius and Wormtail who were having trouble, to put it nicely.

"I'm going to disqualify you if you don't start doing this properly!" Katie tried to threaten.

"Please do." Unfortunately, failing an 'activity' wasn't as much of a punishment to full-grown Death Eaters as it was to kids.

"Fine," Katie snapped. "The three of you can go sit over there."

"What's happening?" Voldemort asked.

"One step forward, my Lord, then step to the right…" Bellatrix, once she put her obsessive loyalty aside, actually worked with Voldemort rather well. He was willing to listen to her directions, at least, which was more than he'd do for anyone else.

"Okay, just hold that foot there," Nagini was directing. "And then move it three and a half inches to the left- the other left…"

"This _is_ the left, Nagini," Severus snapped.

"It might be now, but…"

"But it wasn't a second ago?"

"Pretty much, yeah." Nagini wasn't exactly expertise at this, but Severus beat Voldemort, who promptly threw a fit upon discovering this.

"Last!" the Dark Lord whined. "Why am I last?"

"We're not," Bellatrix said, "They got disqualified." It was better than pointing out it was really all Voldemort's fault that they were last.

"Everyone sit down over there," Katie directed. "Oh, and good job to Rodolphus and Rabastan, who won."

"I see that there's a lot of… cooperation issues," Katie began, once everyone had assembled. Nagini was again lying on her stomach, but Katie didn't have the patience to make an issue of it. She held up her hand to stop Voldemort and a few others from protesting. "Sure, there are a few people others are willing to work with. I get that. But if you want to be a functional team, you're all going to have to be able to work together. How else are you going to get anything done?"

"We've managed so far, haven't we?" Severus said coldly.

"Not very well, by the looks of it," Katie snapped. "Why else would you need to come here?"

"Thanks," Voldemort said sulkily. "Really sensitive… I mean… this is my life's work you're talking about, woman!"

"I don't think sarcasm is really working out for you," Nagini leaned forward and whispered into his ear. Voldemort huffed but didn't respond.

"I realize that," Katie said, forcing herself to keep her patience. "I'm not _underestimating_ your ability to gather people who hate each other together and tell them to kill others, I'm really not." She glanced at the clock. "Tell you what; it's barely afternoon. You can leave now, assuming you're able to make it back by seven. I'm still charging you if you don't," she added, looking at Voldemort as he was about to protest.

"Fine," the Dark Lord grumbled. "Let's go."

**Review? Review...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry for the long wait... reviews?**

Several hours later, the Death Eaters were once again gathered in front of the gym. Bellatrix and Fenrir had gone off to torture Muggles and were feeling a lot better - unfortunately, such couldn't be said for everyone else. Lucius tried to take the Dark Lord to the spa to cheer him up after Nagini 'accidentally' shoved him into a muddy lake, but the plan backfired when several people there offered him discounts for a plastic surgeon.

"You're all here," Katie said, coming out the door with a backpack of supplies. "Good. Here's this map of the city for you to find the haunted house where we're going to do the next activity."

"Where are you going?" Voldemort demanded, as Katie shoved a piece of paper into his hands and strode past him.

"I'm driving. This is up to you to figure out," she said, "Hey, my advice isn't helping much, anyway. Good luck!" She got into her car, slammed the door shut, and drove away.

"No fair!" Voldemort yelled at the retreating headlights. "Why do we have to walk?"

"It's probably not that far," Greyback consoled. "She saw all your guys' athletic ability."

"Excuse me, you wanna race?" Rodolphus asked.

"Why not?"

"Neither of you can read a map," Bellatrix said scathingly. "So I suggest you drop it."

"I can read a map!" Greyback protested, then realized who was speaking and fell silent. He'd seen everyone here fight, and decided that he was definitely most afraid of Bellatrix.

"Who here can read a map?" Voldemort asked. Rodolphus and Rabastan glanced at each other, shrugging; maybe they could, but if they messed up in front of the Dark Lord…

"Give it here," Severus said impatiently.

"Of course, all high and mighty…"

"Would you like to try, Bellatrix? I doubt you want to be mistaken in front of your beloved Dar-"

"Here," Nagini said loudly, thrusting the map into his hands. Bellatrix, fortunately, didn't rise to the bait and react, either verbally or physically.

"We're right here," Severus said to Voldemort, pointing out the gym on a very simplified map of the Muggle city they were in. "And Katie wants us to be here," he pointed at a so-called haunted house just outside the city limits. "So if we take this road up 'til here…" He proceeded to explain, in a very patronizing way, which roads they would walk to the Dark Lord.

"Alright," Voldemort said at last. "That's… great."

"You have no idea what he just said, do you?" Nagini asked.

"What do you think servants are for?" Voldemort replied. "Lead on, Severus."

The one good thing about Voldemort being in the company was that no one would whine… too loudly. Or perhaps it was the murderous looks Bellatrix continually shot at Wormtail, Lucius, and (purely out of habit) Rodolphus that kept them quiet. Either way, it was a nice change, until…

"I think we're lost," Voldemort said, after they'd walked for a grand total of two and a half minutes.

"We're not lost, my Lord," Severus said, "We haven't even crossed the street."

"So? We're still lost."

"No, we're not, we can easily walk back down the street to the gym."

"Don't talk back to me like that, Severus," Voldemort snapped.

"He's right," Nagini snapped, putting her speedwalking contest with Greyback on hold while she dropped back beside Voldemort and Severus.

"Nagini, I know you like him-"

"-I'm right here-"

"-but you can't possibly deny that we're lost," Voldemort finished, ignoring Severus' comment.

"Usually when we talk about people like this, we speak in Parseltongue," Nagini reminded him pointedly. "Sorry," she mumbled to Severus. "And no, there is no possible way we as a group can be lost. Maybe it's beyond your personal capabilities to walk down a street without losing yourself, but that's why we're learning to work as a team, right?"

"It's funny how you can sound so supportive that it takes a minute for people to realize they're being insulted," Severus said silkily, as Voldemort was in the process of fully understanding what Nagini had said.

"Good to know you share plenty of traits with a snake," Bellatrix hissed.

"If you consider yourself the average person, it's not such a bad thing."

Bellatrix scowled and muttered about using something other than sarcasm to battle with.

"I consider myself the average person!" Voldemort said.

"Do you really?" Nagini asked.

"Yes…. no."

"Okay, good," said Nagini, "Glad we've straightened that out. How far are we to the haunted house?"

"We'll get there faster if we cross the street," Severus said, all the while thinking something along the lines of are you serious?

"But then we'll get lo-" Voldemort started to protest, but Nagini said over loudly, "Come on," grabbed his elbow, and dragged the Dark Lord across the street.

They found the haunted house with minimal arguments - Greyback somehow managed to include himself in the group of people who kept their heads down, and Voldemort proved himself capable of shutting up when Nagini offered (in very clear English) to take charge in his stead, seeing as he was incapable of leading a group of morons by himself.

Katie was waiting at the 'haunted house,' a relatively large abandoned mansion; tall and empty, dark and foreboding. The perfect place for a group of bored Death Eaters.

"What're we gonna do in it?" Greyback asked excitedly.

"Nothing too dangerous," Katie assured them. She usually had people play this game in a much less scary setting, even adults, but as usual, she'd upped the stakes for the Death Eaters.

"Aw…"

"Hey, it'll still be fun," Voldemort said, "Just no serious injuries, right?"

"The point isn't to injure each other," Katie reprimanded. "You guys are going to work together to get away from the supposed 'monster.'"

"Can I kill it?" Greyback asked, almost bouncing up and down with anticipation.

"No. You'll have a Full Body-Bind Curse thrown on you the moment you touch one," said Katie. "Here, let me start from the beginning. You'll be working as a team to recover seven parts of a fake wand; then you have to work together to reassemble it. Once that's been done, you can get rid of the monster. Until then, you have to make sure all of your teammates aren't immobilized. You can take the curse off of them by simply touching them with any part of the fake wand. Obviously you're allowed to run, and I'm not so ambitious as to outlaw profanities, but no intentionally injuring each other, okay? Any questions?"

"Can we unintentionally injure each other?" Bellatrix asked.

"What's the monster?"

"I'm scared of the dark!" Wormtail squeaked.

"You're pathetic."

"I am the monster," Katie said, grinning, "And no, you can't injure each other at all. If it was really unintentional, it would be an accident, and you wouldn't have to ask me about it."

"But still…"

"No. I'm giving you a ten second head start. There's absolutely no light in there, but can I assume you're not afraid of werewolves or vampires?"

"It's not the full moon," muttered Wormtail. "Werewolves shouldn't pose a problem…"

"I think I can cause plenty of damage to you when I'm not transformed, Wormtail," Greyback snapped. "Why is it you think you're so high and mighty when it comes to knowing about werewolves, anyway?"

Wormtail shrugged uncomfortably, muttered something, and turned away, carefully avoiding everyone's eyes.

"Alright!" Katie said, bringing their attention back. "On the count of three, you can run into the building. One! Two! Three!"

**The haunted house scene is pretty long and not funny enough yet, so it'll be chapter four. Reviews? REVIEWS!**


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